SFTGFOP and other BS!

TheTeaHusband’s wife is a multi-talented woman.  She understands tea and its myriad classifications way better than her husband understands his patented fried food pyramid.  She also does not let go of any opportunity to flaunt her knowledge, such as, “orange pekoe” is a grade of tea and not a type of tea.  Breakfast tea is often served with the reminder that this is an FTGFOP tea.  TheTeaHusband almost chokes.

Among theTeaHusband’s many virtues, one of the least known, is his patience for things that he does not understand.  TheTeaHusband has finely tuned sense to appreciate the underappreciated beauties of life such as the white ceiling and a whirring fan.  He has also perfected the art of appearing to think while he just plays with his ocular acuities, focusing and defocusing, his eyes at a random angle.  TheTeaHusband employs this rare skill at all times FTGFOP and its ilk gets mentioned.

During one such conversation with his wife, theTeaHusband was gazing longingly at the leaves of a stunted palm tree and waiting for the sundae that should have made its appearance by now, she mentions that the historical classification of tea with its myriad alphabets was both logical AND made sense.  TheTeaHusband is horrified.  He strenuously suggests that any sentence which has words such as “history”, “logical” and “sense” should also include “Newton”, “Curie” or “Archimedes” and NOT “Orange Pekoe” for sure.  The wife is aghast.  This was blasphemy.

True to tradition, the wife throws a gauntlet.  Prove that tea classification is not logical.

True to tradition, theTeaHusband chickens out.

True to tradition, theTeaHusband starts thinking of a lazy way out.

Why not just draw an analogy to another product and let the argument meander without a conclusion?  TheTeaHusband likes his arguments, just the way he has his tea, hot and puzzling!

Analogs are easy.  We will prove the point using coconuts as an example. Plenty of similarities – plant, climate sensitive, everyday consumption, multiple uses, etc.  Dissimilarities to be dismissed.

TheTeaHusband selects a tender coconut, the green variety, and measures its length.  It’s 8 inches tall.  He goes on to proudly call it the Blue Toukam (take that, Mr Orange Pekoe).  Fantastic, we shall use the last two Alphabets (BT) of the new “logical” coconut naming system to represent the perfect size of a coconut and we will call it the Blue Toukam.

The next two alphabets in the naming convention are allotted to the rather pedestrian characteristics of outer appearance and stalk size. So, here it was.  A brown stalk would be called the Golden Handle, aka GH and a green stalk coconut will be addressed with the more elegant Green Handle, also initialed GH.  Mayhem!

So, our coconut is officially of the type Golden Handle Blue Toukam (GHBT).   One day sitting in a Newtonesque pose, theTeaHusband realizes that a coconut does not sit on its own.  It tips over.  Who would know that Coconuts and Tea share the same “Tippiness” as a characteristic.  The classification and therefore the next initial is ready.  If the Coconut tips, we call it Tippy and guess what, we use the alphabet T to represent Tippiness.  TheTeaHusband is smug.

So, our coconut is officially of the type Tippy Golden Handle Blue Toukam (TGHBT).  It was one classy coconut.

The only task left of assigning quality.  Borrowing a leaf from the official global standard of tea nomenclature, aka, Wikipedia, theTeaHusband quickly arrived at two grades, Marvelous (M) and Fairly Marvelous (FM).

There, right there, in his own two hands, was the world’s first Fairly Marvelous Tippy Golden Handle Blue Toukam (FMTGHBT) Coconut.  His smugness has turned into back-slapping, giddy, grinning, deliriously gloating delirium.

He poured the coconut water into a cup and put a little post-it with “FMTGHBT” on it.  With the cup in his hand, he marched fearlessly towards the wife’s office.

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