Tea Time with TheTeaHusband

Antioxidants and similar BS!

TheTeaHusband’s wife is a multi-talented woman.  She is also “into” health and fitness.  Theteahusband’s wife runs, exercises, looks for words such as antioxidants and omega-3 in the shopping aisle and often commits the greatest sin of all, reads the calorie counts on the label.

On the other hand, Theteahusband, is at a higher state of consciousness or so he likes to think and dismisses “health into-ness” as a stark example of how humans are ignorant of the grand design of the universe.  He is a man of science and relishes how he rationalizes trivialities such as calories and calisthenics. Theteahusband prime objective in life is to enjoy life, via its chief manifestation, fried food.  He idolizes the man who invented the combination of high fructose corn syrup and processed wheat.  While theteahusband works for a bean counting firm, reading the calorie count on the cartons was not “on the critical path” of purchasing decision making.  And nothing, absolutely nothing would fire up theteahusband than the mere mention of the word “antioxidants”.  Theteahusband truly and unapologetically believes that any science not taught about in high school is not science.  He is convinced that “antioxidant” is just another buzzword like other buzzwords such as “cloud”, “machine learning” etc.

Theteahusband is also a pious man.  For much of his life, his everyday tryst with the world started with a stop at his favorite temple, the neighborhood Starbucks to pick up the prasadam of modern existence, a double espresso venti latte with the crumble coffee cake.  This 880 Calories jumbotron of a breakfast, kept the teahusband in a good mood all day, only to come home to be annoyed by the annoyance mentioned above.   Shame, the local chaiwallah in India does not have crumb cake and darn those little tiny cups!

One fateful day, theteahusband’ s wife throws him a gauntlet.  Replace your early morning sugar laden breakfast coffee with Darjeeling tea.  If the teahusband does not “feel better” after 1 month, she will forever keep her peace.  Theteahusband can’t believe his luck.  He thinks this is a golden opportunity to for once have an upper hand in the husbandry scheme of things.   He decides to play bold.  He day dreams of a logical framework with both quantitative and qualitative parameters to define “feel better”.  Also, why not extend ‘this keep peace” deal to his other vices.

The wife accepts.  Yippee!  An elaborate excel model with parameters and charts is designed with a precision acceptable to both parties.  The contract is signed.  The game is on.  Second flush Darjeeling full leaf black tea and green tea are ordered.  The wife shares her secrets of making tea.  The secret is shared back with the office boy, who is assured a fat tip if the “make peace” happens.  Theteahusband believes in spreading joy.

Theteahusband gets on with his life.  The flavor is inconsistent in the beginning.  He thinks he is drinking warm water.  His wife assures him that his dead taste buds will become alive in a few days and he will be able to discern the fine flavors of oak and floral notes very soon.  Theteahusband thinks that is funny.  He proceeds to give a talk to his taste buds.

Five days into the drill, theteahusband notices a distinct loss of “vocality” (new word here, Oxford English Dictionary, if you still exist).  As you would have guessed, theteahusband is a rather large person with several very vocal body parts.   Vocality has been part and parcel of his existence (and the bane of existence for his wife) for a long time.  It was gone.  He missed it.  Seemed that someone had snatched one of his fundamental rights.

One day, the wife asks if he is feeling more calm and content.  Theteahusband says yes and attributes it to the antioxidants in the tea and then falls off the sofa laughing his gut out.  Wife not amused.

Driving to work, he reflects on the last 2 weeks.  Ah, he has not had a tiff with an ober-ula driver for what seemed like an eternity.  He made a mental note to fix that.  He needed some release, he rationalized.  He also realized that the usual suckfest in office and thunderous applause to his boss’ inane comments have also reduced.  Someone is messing with his caffeine.  His team also seemed cheerful, which didn’t seem right for some odd reason.  He also recollected that the ball thumping boxing display by his little brat of a son was termed by him as adventurous than monster-ous.   Sweat was running down his temple.  Theteahusband was scared.  Something was changing.   But he was convinced that these ‘changes” would hardly make a difference in the excel model.  Just as RFPs are written with a certain victor in mind, his victory was certain.  The “make peace” deal was in sight.  He started daydreaming about buying a Harley.

Week 4 of the gauntlet month.  Wife pops the question – are you feeling more joyful?  Theteahusband loves open-ended questions peppered with imprecise undefined words, after all, as a consultant he has made a life out of fine tuning this skill.  The wife handles the beratement well.  Strange!

Back on his drive, Theteahusband, is singing “Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”.  He breaks hard and endless honking follows.  Why is he singing this song?  Where did it come from?  He is positive that the last time he sang this song was camping as a 12-year-old.  How could that be?  Why this song?  Now, this was getting surreal for him.  Self-doubt had crept in.

Was he really feeling “better”?  Was he more joyous?  He dismissed the notion.  This joy-crap was taking him away from the serious business of taking the joy away from his delivery team.  But they seemed happy.  They even said something things such as “looking good, chief” and I would smile.  That hadn’t happened before.

Theteahusband decided to write and rationalize.

Now for the rationalizing!

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